Yeah, I pissed my pants not but three years ago.
And before all of you high and mighty assholes go "EWWWW....you are a chick and that's nasty"....let's be clear on two points: 1. It IS nasty, so I am not going to argue that point but 2. Chicks are not always sweet, untainted, and perfect. We fart, belch and yes, sometimes we tinkle ourselves.
It's a fact. (Haha....I said "taint".)
But back to the topic at hand, okay? Let's set the scene.
I had been sick for two fucking weeks. It was my first bout ever with the dreaded pneumonia that I would be destined to get every year after that and I had really, REALLY had a bad time of it. After spending a week in bed, I was told by my doctor that even after a healthy round of antibiotics, that I still couldn't leave the house for another FIVE DAYS!!
After the five days were up (and I was STIR CRAZY by then), my mother invited me over to her house to watch a movie. I jumped at the chance to go, even though the movie would be 30 Days of Night.
The movie, similar to the sickness......sucked balls.
When a movie is as lousy as this one was, my mother, my sister and I turn into the cast members of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and start making fun of the movie.
Then my sister did something that made me lose it......she farted.
Yes, she laughed so hard that she farted. But that wasn't what was the funniest thing. It was the sound that it made. I SWEAR it sounded like a camera shutter. To which she told me "Haha, I just took a picture of you with my asshole.......hope you don't get brown eye..."
And that is when it happened.
I laughed and peed a little, and then peed a little more....and then that was it. I completely unloaded on the couch.
I stopped laughing and my sister and mother just looked at me.
Mom: What's the matter?
Me: I just peed.
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: Yeah, I just peed on your couch.....
I didn't just piddle, or sprinkle.....I hosed down the couch. I took a man sized PISS on this couch. I got up there was a HUGE pee stain on the couch. My jeans were completely soaked.
It was horrible.
It was humiliating.
I was horrified.
My mother was MORTIFIED.
But looking back on the incident at hand, it was also..................hilarious.
It is one of those instances in your life that stays with you for an eternity. You always remember certain things in your life. You remember your first kiss, your first love. You remember your first "time". You remember your first beer, your first ciggarette. You remember your wedding day, and you remember the birth of your children.....
.....and I remember the day I pissed like a racehorse on my mother's couch. Like it was yesterday.
My mother still has that couch. She had it cleaned and usually no one is aware of what happened.
Until I pipe up with "Haha....you're sitting where I peed on the couch" accompanied by finger pointing.
It NEVER fails to get a response.