*sigh*

I don't want to be a crappy housewife either. 

So I am planning on going out to "the disco" wearing some ridiculous outfit to hang out with some rhythmless dudes wearing HUGE clocks around their necks.

Really, people.......does it get any better than this?

God bless Norway.

A Lesson on How NOT to Propose to Your Girlfriend

I have a friend (yeah, I really do have friends.....SURPRISE!!)

Like I was saying, I have this friend.  And he has so generously allowed me to blog about this topic as long as I keep his identity a secret.

Not sure why, but I guess he doesn't want anyone to know that even he (he who is a super cool kind of dude) can be a fucking retard sometimes.

No offence man, you know I gots mad love for you.

Anyways, this friend of mine has a chick he is in "lurv" with and he has decided he is going to pop the question.  He went out, got semi acquainted with some rings and short of purchasing one, is trying to come up with a way to "do the deed".

Amber the Sensible:  You know how Joshua proposed?  He asked my father for permission, then took me to Isle of Palms, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  Isn't that sweet?
Amber's Tard Friend:  Naw, I am not getting down on one knee......that's gay.

FUCKER!  It wasn't two DUDES on the beach getting hitched, it was ME (which I sometimes have to remind my dude friends that I AM A CHICK)........anyways, it was ME AND A DUDE on the beach.

[PS:  Not the he or I have any problems with gay marriage, so let's not get off topic here.]

Amber:  Okay smartass, what were YOU thinking?
Tard:  Well, I was thinking that I will put the ring in a plastic bag, seal it up and put it in the toilet.  Then I will tell her that the toilet is stopped up and when she goes to unclog it, she finds the ring!

[INSERT CRICKET NOISES HERE]

Seriously? 

Yeah, I am dead fucking serious.  I actually KNOW these people and call them my dear close friends.

Amber:  Dude, why don't you do one better?  Buy the ring, put it on the bathroom floor, TAKE A HUGE SHIT ON IT and then make her clean it up, and then she will find the ring!

Just for your information, my dude readers, those two ideas are COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE WAYS TO ASK A WOMAN TO BE YOUR WIFE.  These are bad ideas as well:

1.  Put the ring around a dried up cat turd and bury it in the cat box.
2.  Tie a ribbon to the ring and then shove the ring up your ass.  Then bend over and tell her to pull for a surprise.
3.  Put the ring around your flaccid penis and tell her that she has a present "down below".
4.  Give it to her in an Alabama Hotpocket.

And for those of you who do not know what an Alabama Hotpocket it, then whatever you do DO NOT LOOK IT UP.  You will be scarred for life.  Just take it from me, it is the wrong way to ask someone to be your partner for life.

PS:  He told me later that he was totally kidding about the toilet thing.

Is it wrong that I don't really believe him?

Never Underestimate Porn

WARNING:  Today's post goes beyond what is decent and good in the world, so if you are easily offended and/or have NO sense of humor, by all means please look away.  PS:  Just because I have a sick sense of humor about a tragedy such as this one doesn't necessarily make me a bad person destined for Hell.  Okay, maybe it does.   ~Management

In all the upset and tragedy that we have been experiencing in the past couple of weeks since the Casey Anthony verdict, leave it to one of the great institutions in this country to shake things up a little more.  (And when I say "great institutions", remember that I am still in need of a sarcasm font.)

The "great and powerful Oz" of porn, Vivid Entertainment, has offered Casey Anthony the role of a lifetime - porn star.  Personally, I think being a whore for profit is right up Casey's alley.

And I don't know about you, but he starring in a porno sounds WAY more interesting than any book or movie deal she is bound to pen/be offered.

And I can see the cast of characters right now:

Casey Anthony as Herself:  A feisty little whore who likes to party, hates kids and just wants a man.  But don't let her pretty face fool you, if you piss her off she may chloroform you, put duct tape over your mouth and throw you in the trunk of her car.  Trust me, she has done it before, and won't hesitate to do it again.

Ron Jeremy as George Anthony:  Bored in his marriage with wife Cindy Anthony, George likes to get nasty with his dirty daughter, Casey.  Watch this Hedgehog not only show her the tricks of the whore trade, but how to blame others for all your problems.

Janine Lindemueller as Cindy Anthony:  Sure, her and her husband George still get it on, but George likes to spice up their relationship with a little girl on girl/blood relative action as well.  Does that make Cindy jealous?  No, not

really....because she can be just as big of a whore as her daughter.  She says, "The more poontang, the better."

Lexington Steele as Lee Anthony:  He puts the "bro" in brother and can't wait to prove two thing to his sister Casey.  He will give her a little bit of "Steele" and prove that if you give a girl an inch, she will demand at least 12 more; but he will also prove to the world that once Casey goes black, she ain't NEVER going back.

And introducing Bridget the Midget as Caylee Anthony:  Um......yeah......hum....

Okay, okay....so that last part will ensure my place in Hell with the Devil himself.  I should be ashamed.

RETRACT YOUR CLAWS PEOPLE:  IT'S JUST A BLOG.

Oh well, when I am in Hell, I will be sure to say Hello to Casey Anthony when she gets there.

In Lieu of Douchebag of the Month - July 2011

I am not going to try to make humor or light out of what is possibly the biggest tragedy in American legal history since the OJ Simpson trial.

What happened today in Florida is appalling and a miscarriage of justice. 

It proves one thing today more than anything else:

 Kids only matter in this country when they are fetuses.