And the Award for Slackest Blogger Goes to.....

....moi.

I could give you a laundry list of excuses why I haven't posted or read any blogs of late:

• I have had a butt load of family in town.
• I have been busy with my real life job.
• I have been busy with my real life hobby.
• I have been working in the yard.
• I was abducted by aliens and received at least two BUT DEFINITELY NOT THREE anal probes.
• The dog ate my blog topics.
• I found out my computer was trying to take over the world via the Internet and it had to be destroyed.
• I had to fight off a hoard of brain hungry zombies, and then one of them bit off my right hand and I couldn't type and now I will soon become one of the undead.
• I feel asleep for the last month and a half.
• My leg got bitten off by an alligator and I have been recouping this whole time.
• I was recently thrown in prison where in order for me to be considered "top bitch" I had to kill the other "top bitch" and now I am serving 25 years to life for murder when I was originally thrown in the pen for having too many parking tickets.

And really the list could go on and on.

The truth?

Well, it is up there in that list somewhere, but I will let you figure that shit out on your own.

No more excuses.  I am just going to shut up and dive back in.

Well, later though......I am meeting with Donald Trump for lunch and he is going to give me some secrets as to how to win on the next season of The Apprentice.

Later gators.

I Think I Caught Something from a Toilet Seat in Wal-Mart....

.....and it may have been a nasty case of:

DEPRESSION.

Gross, y'all.  Do you really think I would report it to the freaking world if I actually did catch something from a disgusting toilet seat in Wal-Mart?

Um, NO!!

Give me a little credit, fuckers.

So yeah, I may be melding two topics into one to try to make up for being absent for the last three or four weeks.

First topic?  Wal-Mart bathrooms are GROSS!!

But, yeah.....I don't think I am being some bearer of unknown news here.  Shit, ALL Wal-Mart bathrooms are the fucking pits, not just the ghetto or rural ones.  I mean, it could be a brand spanking new building having the damn grand opening that day and you could walk into the bathroom and immediately be assaulted be an odor that will curl your hair, baby feces smeared on that changing table thingy and a big meaty chud awaiting you in the commode.

No lie.

So I was in Wal-Mart with the hubs doing a little shopping late one Sunday (do you get where I am going with this tale?).  So it hits me in the frozen foods section "I have to pee....LIKE RIGHT NOW!"  So I scuttle off to the front of the store dreading having to plop my fat ass down on what to me is the nexus of the germ universe, but you know......when you gotta go, you gotta go.

So I open the stall and to my sheer delight I find two things:  NO deuce floating in the bowl AND a huge new box of toilet seat covers on the wall.  So the next five minutes of my life are spend strategically placing three or four seat covers (because two, much less ONE is just not enough) on the seat accompanied by several long strips of toilet paper.  I look at my securely wrapped germ free throne and think "Good job girl!!".

I turn around and unzip my jeans.  I descend onto the seat and right before I hit it I hear WOOSH.  Yes, it was the automatic toilet flushing right before my ass hit the seat.

And what happened next you may ask?

Well, apparently all the hard work I did covering the fucking toilet was done in vain because ALL THE COVERS AND TOILET PAPER GOT SUCKED OFF THE SEAT WHEN IT FLUSHED!! 

And where am I at?

I am not sitting on the gross, vomit inducing toilet, with my bare ass.

What.the.fuck?

*sigh*

My husband thought this to be the funniest thing he had ever heard.  He told me he was sure that I had probably caught something and most likely needed to head straight to the doctor to get treated.

Sarcastic asshole.

So, what did I get?  Well, no.....I didn't really get anything other than the heebie jeebies from the toilet seat, but I have been suffering from a really terrible case of the blues.

I am snapping out of it slowly, so expect me to return very soon.

You can't get rid of me that easily, yo.

Peace out.

PS:  And thanks to everyone who sent me an email asking me if everything was okay.  That is really sweet to know that someone out there (other than my dad) actually reads my shit and cares enough to check on me when I am absent.  You guys are the fucking bomb.