A few weeks back, my husband and I had a yard sale with some friends. We were having it in the parking lot of a small strip mall in Jedburg. A chick who owned a hair salon was cool enough to tell us that if we needed to use the restroom, we were free to use hers.
So after about three hours and a gallon of sweet tea I felt the urge to pee, so I made my way to the salon. To my surprise, the bathroom was "occupado" by someone so I waited.
Finally, out of the restroom comes the friend we are having the yard sale with. Let's call her....um, Lucy. Yeah, Lucy works. So anyways, Lucy comes out of the restroom and says "She's all yours!!"
I step into the restroom and am ASTOUNDED to smell that Lucy has destroyed this restroom. Like....it smells worse than death itself. The smell is accompanied by several long disgusting streaks in the toilet.
I automatically start to panic because I DON'T WANT THE SALON CHICK TO THINK I AM THE ONE THAT DESTROYED THE RESTHROOM. So I pee so fast that I imagine if it were timed, I could have made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for world's faster pisser.
I leave the restroom after literally 30 seconds TOP, and go back outside.
Standing off to the side of the yard sale is my Sweet Joshua. I run up to the side and huddle with him and quietly whisper to him: "Dude, Lucy TOTALLY took a huge shit in the hair salon....I mean, she destroyed the whole restroom complete with streaks in the toilet!! I panicked and peed as fast as I could because I didn't want the salon chick to think it was me!!!"
To which, we had a long, good belly laugh about it.......replete with tears and all. (Sorry if you don't find inappropriate bowel movements funny, because we sure as hell do!)
About that time, Lucy comes walking out from around the truck. My husband sees her and SHOUTS "HEY LUCY!! I JUST HEARD YOU TOOK A HUGE SHIT IN THAT SALON AND LEFT SHIT STREAKS IN THE TOILET!!!"
People.............I . WAS . MORTIFIED.
That fucker just sold my ass down the river. Because of course after he yells that FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR, Lucy turns to me and yells "AMBER!!!" and then storms off.
I thought that it was written somewhere that once you got married, that your spouse was not allowed to sell you out.
Hope y'all have a wonderful, fun, safe New Years!!