.....and it may have been a nasty case of:
DEPRESSION.
Gross, y'all. Do you really think I would report it to the freaking world if I actually did catch something from a disgusting toilet seat in Wal-Mart?
Um, NO!!
Give me a little credit, fuckers.
So yeah, I may be melding two topics into one to try to make up for being absent for the last three or four weeks.
First topic? Wal-Mart bathrooms are GROSS!!
But, yeah.....I don't think I am being some bearer of unknown news here. Shit, ALL Wal-Mart bathrooms are the fucking pits, not just the ghetto or rural ones. I mean, it could be a brand spanking new building having the damn grand opening that day and you could walk into the bathroom and immediately be assaulted be an odor that will curl your hair, baby feces smeared on that changing table thingy and a big meaty chud awaiting you in the commode.
No lie.
So I was in Wal-Mart with the hubs doing a little shopping late one Sunday (do you get where I am going with this tale?). So it hits me in the frozen foods section "I have to pee....LIKE RIGHT NOW!" So I scuttle off to the front of the store dreading having to plop my fat ass down on what to me is the nexus of the germ universe, but you know......when you gotta go, you gotta go.
So I open the stall and to my sheer delight I find two things: NO deuce floating in the bowl AND a huge new box of toilet seat covers on the wall. So the next five minutes of my life are spend strategically placing three or four seat covers (because two, much less ONE is just not enough) on the seat accompanied by several long strips of toilet paper. I look at my securely wrapped germ free throne and think "Good job girl!!".
I turn around and unzip my jeans. I descend onto the seat and right before I hit it I hear WOOSH. Yes, it was the automatic toilet flushing right before my ass hit the seat.
And what happened next you may ask?
Well, apparently all the hard work I did covering the fucking toilet was done in vain because ALL THE COVERS AND TOILET PAPER GOT SUCKED OFF THE SEAT WHEN IT FLUSHED!!
And where am I at?
I am not sitting on the gross, vomit inducing toilet, with my bare ass.
What.the.fuck?
*sigh*
My husband thought this to be the funniest thing he had ever heard. He told me he was sure that I had probably caught something and most likely needed to head straight to the doctor to get treated.
Sarcastic asshole.
So, what did I get? Well, no.....I didn't really get anything other than the heebie jeebies from the toilet seat, but I have been suffering from a really terrible case of the blues.
I am snapping out of it slowly, so expect me to return very soon.
You can't get rid of me that easily, yo.
Peace out.
PS: And thanks to everyone who sent me an email asking me if everything was okay. That is really sweet to know that someone out there (other than my dad) actually reads my shit and cares enough to check on me when I am absent. You guys are the fucking bomb.
DEPRESSION.
Gross, y'all. Do you really think I would report it to the freaking world if I actually did catch something from a disgusting toilet seat in Wal-Mart?
Um, NO!!
Give me a little credit, fuckers.
So yeah, I may be melding two topics into one to try to make up for being absent for the last three or four weeks.
First topic? Wal-Mart bathrooms are GROSS!!
But, yeah.....I don't think I am being some bearer of unknown news here. Shit, ALL Wal-Mart bathrooms are the fucking pits, not just the ghetto or rural ones. I mean, it could be a brand spanking new building having the damn grand opening that day and you could walk into the bathroom and immediately be assaulted be an odor that will curl your hair, baby feces smeared on that changing table thingy and a big meaty chud awaiting you in the commode.
No lie.
So I was in Wal-Mart with the hubs doing a little shopping late one Sunday (do you get where I am going with this tale?). So it hits me in the frozen foods section "I have to pee....LIKE RIGHT NOW!" So I scuttle off to the front of the store dreading having to plop my fat ass down on what to me is the nexus of the germ universe, but you know......when you gotta go, you gotta go.
So I open the stall and to my sheer delight I find two things: NO deuce floating in the bowl AND a huge new box of toilet seat covers on the wall. So the next five minutes of my life are spend strategically placing three or four seat covers (because two, much less ONE is just not enough) on the seat accompanied by several long strips of toilet paper. I look at my securely wrapped germ free throne and think "Good job girl!!".
I turn around and unzip my jeans. I descend onto the seat and right before I hit it I hear WOOSH. Yes, it was the automatic toilet flushing right before my ass hit the seat.
And what happened next you may ask?
Well, apparently all the hard work I did covering the fucking toilet was done in vain because ALL THE COVERS AND TOILET PAPER GOT SUCKED OFF THE SEAT WHEN IT FLUSHED!!
And where am I at?
I am not sitting on the gross, vomit inducing toilet, with my bare ass.
What.the.fuck?
*sigh*
My husband thought this to be the funniest thing he had ever heard. He told me he was sure that I had probably caught something and most likely needed to head straight to the doctor to get treated.
Sarcastic asshole.
So, what did I get? Well, no.....I didn't really get anything other than the heebie jeebies from the toilet seat, but I have been suffering from a really terrible case of the blues.
I am snapping out of it slowly, so expect me to return very soon.
You can't get rid of me that easily, yo.
Peace out.
PS: And thanks to everyone who sent me an email asking me if everything was okay. That is really sweet to know that someone out there (other than my dad) actually reads my shit and cares enough to check on me when I am absent. You guys are the fucking bomb.
17 comments:
I think if my ass hit the Walmart seat I'd cry. I'm not going to lie- I would cry like the sissy girl that I am.
I think the depression thing has just been in the AIR sweetie. Seems like everybody's been missing for similar reasons (inc. yours truly) but are now returning. Good to see you and glad to hear you're feeling better
That's like when I was at the Seattle airport and ALL the goddamn stalls were taken... this skinny twiglet of a teeny bopper stormed out of the first stall and immediately exited the bathroom. No hands washing necessary apparently. I had the pleasure of seeing this bitch's face before I walked in on her horror. She front end of the seat was covered in liquid. What sort of liquid you ask? I have no idea, my pregnant bladder had to pee and it had to pee right then. I probably used the entire case of toilet seat protectors in order to absorb the monstrosity. I could have used toilet paper to clean it up, but that would have meant possibly getting it on my fingers. And if not for cases like that, why were toilet seat protectors invented? I feel I put their purpose to just use.
Walmart bathrooms are pretty bad. I'm always surprised when they are actually clean.
She lives!!!
I was thinking of you today (and not just for selfish reasons of needing a sitter for Tuesday). I'm sorry you've got the blues, but I hope that now the skies are going "bless" us with a ton of sunshine and heat instead of rain that it will brighten you up. Cheesy way of putting it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay because you love me anyway.
I've been in a deep dark funk since Friday morning, and I'm really hoping my trip on Tuesday helps mend my heart and my mind.
Feel better soon, dammit! I want to see who May's DB is!
P.S.
I'd suggest hovering next time. It won't cure the problem, but it may help. Those automatic flushers are great when someone leaves a deuce in the toilet (I think I want one of those at home), but the suction power on those things when you're still sitting on them feels like an airplane toilet trying to get your whole ass a hickey. LOL!
Just about the only exercise I do to tone my abs is holding my fat ass five inches from touching the seat in public restrooms. If I frequented the rest rooms more often, I'd be really buff!
Glad you're back.
I guess I'm numb from having to deal with public bathrooms on moving trains for the past 22 years. Let me tell you people are DIGUSTING! How do you shit on the BACK of the toilet??? I have had people actually drop a deuce in the middle of the floor, nowhere near the toilet. Say what? And how is it that men can't seem to make a 1/16 inch stream of piss hit a hole bigger than the circumference of their own freakin' head?
And please, don't get me started on "Hoverers"...you know those women who just can't seem to put their precious tushes on the seat, so they "hover" above it, piss all over and then leave it for the next person to deal with. Nasty bitches!
BTW..welcome back sis.
oh EEEW.
those automated toilets creep me out. they're VIOLENT!
and on a less violent note, i am EXTREMELY glad that you're back!
I HATE AUTO FLUSH TOILETS!!!!! It never fails...everytime I got to use the toilet on one of these fucking things (created to help out with the nasty fuckers that never flush the fucking toilets, FYI)the damn nasty fucking water splashes my ass! No telling what is splashing up from the bowl!!! FUCKING GROSS!!!!!
I use to work out at ladson fleamarket, we always carried lysol wipes and paper towels with us. Talk about nasty.
Eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! haha, happens to the best of us. Laughed out loud while reading your horrible tale. Missed your posts! Glad to see you back my lovely :D
xo
Haven´t you tried the ''hover'' technique of bathroom-going? I just can't bring myself to sit down on a public toilet...
-Barb
"My husband thought this to be the funniest thing he had ever heard."
Yeah, he's not alone on that one. :)
She's back!!! And yes ^^ hovering is pretty class act.
Missed you Amber. Hello to Joshua and Dad who may be reading this post.
hahahaha :)
Just THINKING about my bum touching a Wal-mart toilet makes me want to throw up.
I'm like you, I thoroughly plaster that seat with toilet paper, until I'm satisfied I have an impenetrable force field between me and someone else's butt germs.
I remember when I worked at Gamestop, and we all shared a single toilet. My manager overheard me talking about how I lay down paper before I gingerly hover over the seat. He thought that was unnecessary, until I pointed out that it was fucking gross to be sharing a toilet with a bunch of guys (since I'm a girl, as you know), and that by not laying down a barrier of TP, he might as well be rubbing bare ass to ass with every other guy that worked there. I'm pretty sure he started laying down paper after that.
Also, glad you're back. :)
What's really cool is when some clown drops a deuce in the urinal....
i damn well HATE it when i've just made the toilet all fancy and that newly lined throne gets sucked down the tube.
hate it.
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