Quite Possibly.....The Greatest Story Ever Told

***The names in this story have either been changed or simply made up on the spot to protect....well, everyone.  Oh, and if you have a problem with subject matter dealing with gratuitous sex acts and marijuana - DO NOT READ THIS.  I already lost FIVE followers with my last post on pot, so consider yourself warned.***

Amber loves a good story.  I mean, if it has to do with someone acting a fool, a disastrous date story, or just a comical yarn....count my ass in.  Everyone knows this.  My family knows this, my co-workers know this, all my "real life" friends know this.

And now you do too.

This story was conveyed to me by a very close friend of mine over a casual meal a few weeks ago.  This post may be a tad on the long side, but trust me.....it's worth it.  So grab yourself some coffee....or hot chocolate....or whiskey....or a needle of coke/snort of tick...or whatever you fancy, and snuggle on in.

So my friend, let's call him Lam, is single.  He decides he is going to go out on a limb and sign up for one of these online dating sites.  I, of course, laughed at him (maybe even accompanied by some finger pointing), but none the less was supportive of his efforts. 

After wading through the abyss of rejects that found him on this website, he started chatting with a chick who had "winked" at him.  ***Quit laughing, ya'll***  He found she was a local here in the Chucktown area, so they quickly set up to meet for a first date.

Now, I have much much MUCH love for Lam, but when relaying the tidbits of this first date to me, I found AT LEAST three red flags which should have told him that trouble was lying ahead.  I will be sure to point them out here.

So they decide on dinner for their first date.  When making arrangements to meet, Lam suggested that they just meet up at the actual restaurant.  The chick, who I will call Janine (because that name always seems to convey "crazy" to me), suggests that Lam come pick her up at her house.

***FIRST RED FLAG***

Sorry, but any chick who wants some strange dude she has never met or even seen in person to pick her up at her house is just off her rocker.  This is 2011, people......not 1960.

So he does.  And she lives in the ghetto.  Not just in a bad section of town, but crack central y'all.  I ain't shittin' you.  That should be another red flag, but I am not one to say that just because you live on the wrong side of the tracks that automatically makes you a bad person.  Because it doesn't.

So upon riding to the restaurant, after a few minutes of idle chit chat, Janine comes off with "So.....do you smoke pot?"

***SECOND RED FLAG***

I have said it before, and I will say it again.  I don't have a problem with pot.  I have smoked it and some of the closest people I know partake.  BUT....that is NOT something you just blurt out within ten minutes when on a first date with someone.  That is something you ease into a conversation.

During dinner she informs Lam that she lives with her son, her pregnant daughter and her boyfriend.  She tells him that there are some family issues, but doesn't really go into them.

***THIRD RED FLAG***

Sounded to me at that point that she was running a flop house.  Jeebus, I should be a psychic, because I couldn't have been more right.

After dinner, Lam returns to Janine's house because she is insistent on him meeting her son.  After doing so, there is a rudimentary make-out session and then Lam calls it a night.  They make plans to get together again in a few days for movie and dinner.

So the next Saturday, they get together for a movie.  Afterwards they go back to Janine's house to make dinner.  Upon returning to the ghetto house, Lam gets to meet her son again (who is TOTAL gangsta.....NOT gangster, but gangSTA), and now the preggo daughter.  While Janine is making dinner in the kitchen, Lam is watching "the game" with her son and daughter.  And then, all of sudden, the front door opens and in flies the preggo daughter's boyfriend.  He takes one look at Lam and goes flying up the stairs.  Janine's son yells out "No, no...man, this dude is cool. He cool.  He cool." (You will just have to imagine my fabulous gangsta imitation right now).

[Sidenote:  Lam is possibly the most conservative looking dude in the world.  He is one of the coolest guys I have ever met, but totally looks like a narc.]

So the boyfriend comes back down stairs and Lam notices he has these huge bags partially hidden under his coat.  Before you can say 20 years to life, the boyfriend proceeds to dump three Hefty bags of marijuana onto the coffee table.

Yes, THREE GARBAGE BAGS OF POT ON THE TABLE.

Lam said there must have been fifty one gallon sized bags totally filled to the brim with pot laying before him.

WHAT.THE.FUCK?

Lam then sits there almost frozen in fear that at any minute the po-po are going to bust in the door and he is going to be going to prison.  NOT JAIL, but PRISON!!  They then proceed to start "breaking up" the pot for resale, and then the crowds start filing in to buy.

To all of this, Janine comes in and just says (while shaking her head), "Oh.....haha, these kids!!" before going back in the kitchen to finish dinner.

So, to any NORMAL person, the first thing you want to do is GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE.

But no, not Lam.  He decides to stick it out.

Why you may be asking?  I DON'T KNOW!! 

I guess the beef curtain just has a strong hold over some people, you know?

So after dinner, Lam and Janine are up in her room making out.  She then takes to giving him a .........um, "happy ending", and as he is telling me this, I am just RIVETED.  Not to the fact that he is getting a BJ in the "House o' Gangster", but the fact that he hadn't left yet.

To which he tells me, "Hey....I am a dude.  A STRAIGHT, RED BLOODED DUDE.  There is no way whatsoever that I am going to turn down a blow job.  I don't know any dude that is going to turn down a blow job from a chick.  If he does, then he is gay.  Hands down.  Gay."

I think I may agree with that even though I don't have a penis.

So after the BJ, he FINALLY beats feet.

Then the next day he sends her the text.  You know, THAT text.  The "I am not ready for a relationship right now.  I am coming out of a hard break-up and just not ready....blah blah blah" text.

Of course, I am aware that he is mainly saying this because of the pot issue.  That and the fact that she was about certifiable (she started saying things about her marrying him.....calling him "her baby"......shit like that.  AFTER TWO DATES!!)  So what was her response to the text, you may be asking?

"Well, you didn't feel that way when I had your dick in my mouth last night...."

And with that, people.....I about choked on my food.  I thought I would DIE.  I told him that had to be the best sentence that had ever been uttered by a human being.  It was awesome.

So, long story short....he managed to get rid of her.  I mean, after a few days of her texting him with weird texts like "I get the idea that our relationship has changed" and "You are going to regret letting me go".  HELLO!!  Y'ALL WENT ON TWO DATES!!!  I told him to not be surprised if she texts in a few weeks with, "Hey, it's Janine....remember me?  We were almost married a long time ago."

Fucking nutcase.

The last text she sent him was a few days after the incident.  It was rainy and nasty outside and she sent him: "Today would be a good day for a snuggle, don't ya think....".

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

So, of course, I have sent him at least two texts from different phones saying the same thing.

Hey...what are friends for if not to fuck with you at the expense of your down and out love life.