So now that I am back on top of things (kinda), let me introduce you to our latest and by far most FAMOUS Douchebag of the Month..................................................Paris Hilton.
Okay, I have to admit something. (And you know you love my little confessions.) I didn't always hate Paris Hilton. Shit, I watched her and that other train wreck young lady, Nichole Ritchie on The Simple Life and guess what? They were funny as shit! I mean, anyone who changes the Sonic Drive In sign to say "Anus Burgers on Sale" is usually a-okay in my book. But really, why the hell were they so funny? Because they were both dumb as bricks. I love watching stupid people do stupid things. That is why I watch Fox News and shop at Wal-mart.
But my beef with Paris is not the usual one. Sure, she is a douchebag because she has had everything given to her on a silver platter and has that silver spoon shoved so far up her ass that you can see the handle when she opens her mouth. Sure, she has that UNBELIEVABLY annoying baby voice and insists on saying retarded things like "That's hot" and "That's huge". Sure, she hangs out with asshats that are also just as useless as herself (Brody Jenner, Lindsay Lohan, and any of those pathetic Kardashians). And sure, she is so stupid she gets busted for possession of cocaine when the coke baggie falls out of her purse when she goes to get lip gloss. YEAH......FREAKING LIP GLOSS!! Why the hell do you give a flying shit about your lip gloss when the po-po have you pulled over and you KNOW you have blow in your purse?
All of that aside, why do I, a small town chick from the Deep South, have a beef with this particularly annoying mentally deficient waste of space? Well, let me tell ya.
When me and the girls went to Charlotte for our nerd convention, we stayed at the Hilton because they were giving CK a discount rate if you stayed there. We called and booked our room and told them FOUR chicks would be staying in the room. We get there and are surprised to see two DOUBLE beds in the room.
WHA-WHA-WHAT??
I mean, seriously. They expected two chicks to sleep in ONE DOUBLE BED. WTF? Doesn't the Hilton make enough money that they can throw a couple of queen size beds in there or at least f**king couch when you tell the FOUR people will be staying there?
So, not wanted to dwell on the fact that I am a fat chick, but come on. If you have seen a scrapbooker, most of them are not skinny minis. Shit, at the convention, the first t-shirts to sell out were the 4X ones. WHAT?? Yeah, shocked the shit out of me as well. So needless to say, our room was like a fat chick convention in and of itself.
So of course I am the one roped into sleeping with not only the BIGGEST chick out of the group, but one that once she is asleep is like an alligator in a death roll. F**king toss and turn, and turn and toss, and toss and turn some more. [Thanks Brandy and Yvonne - y'all got some karma coming YOUR way].
ARGGGGG!!!
The first night? 2 hours sleep. The second night? 3 hours sleep (but only AFTER I crawled onto the floor and cried myself to sleep in the fetal position). Finally on the third night I smartened up, pulled together two chairs facing each other, grabbed some blankets to make a chair pallet, took a very large Valium and it was off to sleepy time land.
So why am I telling you this? Because I am convinced that if Paris Hilton didn't have to have solid gold toilet paper, fourteen private jets, and a stable of robots telling her 24/7 that she is smart and funny, that her farts smell like cinnamon rolls, that she DIDN'T look like a total whore in that porn she did and that she ISN'T A F**KING DOUCHEBAG, that maybe...JUST MAYBE, the Hilton Hotel could afford some BIGGER F**KING BEDS!!!!!!!
So yes, I am holding YOU completely accountable, Paris, for my shitty stay, horrible neck and back pains, and for all the angst and anger I had while lying in a puddle of my own tears on your shitty hotel room floor.
Choke on it you coked up whore. Or maybe you can PAY someone to choke on it for you.
15 comments:
I don't quite know whether to laugh at your rant or feel sorry for what happened to you, Amber.
But yeah. You nailed it for DOTM.
-French Bean
AMEN! I think you should send this to Paris...or the person paid to throw away her "fan" mail.
Agreed- this needs to be put in letter form and sent directly to Hiltion headquarters with a copy going to her publicist. :)
I had a similar experience when staying at a 4Points Sheraton in Chicago. For $300 a night there are certain things I just expect: toilet paper, pillows, towels, blankets free from cigarette burns. Unfortunately, you get none of these things without practically begging. And then stealing the pillows delivered to the room next to you which were conveniently in the hall.
FB has it right, It's a feel a bit sorry for you/laugh at you conundrum.
Great choice though, I hate the vacuous bint too.
And here I thought you were calling her a douchebag because of the recent drug scandal. Boy was I wrong. :) lol
*muah* At least you got a funny blog post out of it love.
Perfect dotm....she is included in my top 100 people I would never miss....if they were a shipped to outer space.....for eternity
Douchebag of the year more like it haha :)
Hello Amber. Just wanted to stop by and say hello. Hope all is good with you sweetie. I will be back soon....I see you are growing here and that is great!!!!!!! : )
OMG! You cried? You didn't tell me you cried! I feel even worse now than I did then! I am so sorry!!! But on the note of your blog....you are so right!
I completely agree! and really, since you didn't have your own DOTM last month, she can have 2 months worth of douchebagg-y-ness. (although I'm sure she has a lifetime supply)
That's what you get for staying at a Hilton. Who the fuck stays at a Hilton these days? :) Don't let it happen again. I'll be keeping an eye on you, Amber...
I have to tell you, I had a simmilar experience at the Hilton. My mom had a conference in Virginia a while back, so the whole family (5 of us) tagged along and we made a vacation out of it. We booked two nights in a Hilton on the way to our final destination. First of all, we got there and they said there was no room for us. They got our reservation, accepted our payment and confirmed with us that we had a room, but upon our arrival we were told it had been given to someone else. No, we weren't late, we didn't come in after check-in...they just plain gave our room away. Apparently, at the Hilton - and I quote "no hotel room reservations are garunteed." Yep, you can book a room and pay for it, but when you show up it won't nescessarily be waiting for you. So obviously we were pissed. The receptionist told us to have a seat in the lobby while she looked for something for us. TWO HOURS later, she gave us this shitty little single room with a twin bed. For five people. My parents got one bed, and we requested some cots for us kids. The Hilton apparently has a one-cot-per-room policy (loving these policies, huh?) so one of my sisters got a cot, and the other two of us had to sleep on the floor. The floor. In a HILTON. Needless to say, we didn't stay the extra night.
Well I agree she is a DOTM, if you do a special prize for the years best I think she is in the running. I wasn't expecting the reasons but I had a nose in a Hilton and wasn't too impressed.
OK, first off - what REALLY makes Paris Douchebaguette of the Month is that, when QUESTIONED about the cocaine in her purse, she told the police that 'she thought it was gum'. Um, WTF? I don't usually snort Juicy Fruit, myself.
Secondly, you just need to look for the silver lining, Amber - being crammed in a tiny bed was a chance to snuggle without having to put out! I much prefer snuggling with my girlfriends - they don't try to hump me and they smell better. ;)
Lastly, an amazing little package arrived in the mail today, so I must say thank you! I thought it was gum.
Oh my that was funny as fuck! Still would have been better if you put that cockwash Perez Hilton in his place instead...
Post a Comment