Yeah, About That Time I Saw That Partial Package

In a time, long long ago....at a place I have not been in years and years.....I saw a spectacle I have not been able to unsee in 19+ years.

I saw a dudes nut sack.

And no, under normal circumstances, that would not be such a sight to imprint on a persons psyche....but with the circumstances that surrounded it, we'll.....lets just say that helped.

I was in college.  It was between classes and my BFF at the time, Brandy, and I were sitting in the "quad" in between two buildings.  Now, the quad was a half circle cement structure with three tiers on which to sit and chill between classes.   This was before the big "smokers suck ass so let's treat them like lepers" movement, so the majority of the people were chilling there having an in between class smoke.

Brandy and I were going over some Law and Ethics notes.  We were sitting on one side of the quad on the second tier.  I was intently studying my notes, so I did not notice that a dude had sat down on the other side of the quad facing us.

Now, before I continue, you have to understand what this dude was wearing.  Do any of y'all remember Umbros shorts?  We used to call the "paper shorts" in school because really?  They are about as thin as a piece of paper.  No human being whatsoever should just be lounging around a school wearing these shorts.  Not no one, not no how.  They are borderline offensive.  And short.  BOY are these things short.

Let me just say this.  They leave LITTLE to the imagination.

So....where was I?  Oh, yes.  Intently studying my notes.  I am then jolted out of my concentration by Brandy giving me the ole elbow to the ribs.

"Okay, so don't look now, but check out the dude sitting across from us.....DON'T LOOK.  DON'T LOOK!!"

Now, let me say this.  When someone tells you not to look....you are gonna look.  No ifs, ands or buts.  You are GONNA look.  And boy, did I look.  And people, there are just some things in life that once you see them, you just cannot unsee them.

Here was this dude.  Sitting on the second tier of the quad.  Legs splayed oh so slightly, and his ball is laying on the concrete.  Yes, you read that right.  JUST ONE BALL laying like a hacky sack, on the fucking concrete.

Y'all.  It was like that ball had special powers over me.  I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY.

I just stared.

And stared.

And stared some more. 

I couldn't help it.  I mean, I don't even know what I was thinking.  I don't know how much time passed.  Really?  It was like time had stopped and the world faded away and the only two things in the world left were me and this ball. 

It was like a car accident and I just couldn't look away.  And now, don't get me wrong, I was not looking at the dude.  I to this day could not tell you what he looked like.  I was just astounded that someone could just have a piece of their anatomy just on display for the whole world to see and either not know or just plain out not care.

So I get another of the not so lovely elbows to the rib from Brandy.

"What the hell are you doing....stop staring at him.  You are making it obvious."

Just then my stare broke away from the ball display and I looked up to the dude's face.  I didn't know what to expect, but what I found I REALLY didn't see coming.

There he was.  Looking dead at me.  With this weird wry smile on his face.  He then gives me the chin nod as if to say "You likey?  I can show you more if you please."

Holy fucking shitballs Batman, I just busted out laughing.

And to this day I have no idea if it was seeing that ball that made me laugh or the fact that I think he SHOWED me the ball as some weird way of trying to pick me up.  Like he though he had a sure fire way of picking up chicks. 

"Oh, hell yeah.  I have the mack daddy planning for picking up chicks, man.  I just show them my ball and they will just fall in love.  And no, not BOTH of them....just one will do the trick.  My ball is magical"

Men are fucking weird, yo.

I wonder if he ever found his true love with that trick.  If so, I would hate to know how he proposed to her.  Maybe just put the ring around his dick and let nature take the wheel.

Good Lawd, help us all.

Happy Friday!!

Yeah....

Hi.

I'm not dead.

Just super busy, with..ya know, work and shit.

I will write more soon.

Promise.

PS:  I went to mountains for five days last week and almost didn't come back.  More on that when I get back.

Peas.

Did I Just get BONed?

BONed......as in Blog of Note?

NO I DIDN'T.

How many times do I have to scream this???

FUCK YOU BLOGGER!!

I logged into my Blogger account just now and am surprised to see this:

For those of you who cannot see that.....it says that I have 75 comments to moderate. 

 

So what is my first thought?  WOW!!  I must have been selected to be a Blog of Note (just in case you are not a total fucking nerd and don't know what that is, Blogger hand picks certain blogs and puts them on a special "Blog of Note" list and you usually get tons of follows and become quasi famous in the Blogger world).

 

Sadly, I did not get that "prestigious" title. 

 

Instead it was just spam.  LOTS AND LOTS OF FUCKING SPAM.

 

 

 

UURGH.

 

And it was 75 entries.....just like all those!! 

Except for one that just said "vimax vimax vimax vimax" like 100 times.

 

I hate you Blogger. 

 

Seriously.

 

And before you say it, I could get it to stop because I could just make all of y'all sign in and have you put in a code, but really?  I hate those fucking codes.  I can never tells if it is and "x" or a "y" that I need to put in, and then sometimes those numbers are so freaking blurry that I feel I have been drinking when I totally don't drink at all.

 

So I will endure the shitty spam as not to put you through that shit to leave me a comment.

 

See, I am always thinking about y'all.

 

To thank me for thinking about you, you could always leave me a comment telling me thanks.

 

Just sayin.

 

Peas.



My New Year's Resolutions

I had a couple of resolutions this year and I have already blown two of them.

My first one was to not curse as much as I do. 

Well, fuck that noise because really?  I just can't do it.  It makes me cranky.  And you won't like me when I am cranky.

The second one blown?  To be happy and not let the small things bother me.

Well, BLOGGER fucked that shit up last night when YET AGAIN.....a wonderful, funny, insightful blog post was fucking DELETED!!!!

BLOGGER YOU SUCK SO FUCKING BAD!!

I lovingly crafted this post about my Christmas and New Years, chock full of funny pictures and anecdotes, and all the things that make you love me so much.

And Blogger pulled the plug.

Asshats.

So instead I am left reeling.  I sat in my recliner flailing my arms and legs screaming, "no, no, no, no, no.....YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!", before slamming the top of the laptop down and then sitting in my chair with my angry eyes on, my arms crossed, and my breathing a weird mix of wheezing and short fast paced bursts of hot air.

Then I realized that I blew my second New Year's resolution and it pissed me off ALL OVER AGAIN!!

Son of a bitch, I CANNOT WIN!!!!!

So, I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to let steam off in the form of being the occasional bitch complete with cursing because if I don't I turn into a time bomb waiting to go off, and will erupt over something stupid like not being able to find my keys or my favorite orange highlighter running out of ink.

So my amended New Year's resolution is to just be myself.

And if people don't like that, then they don't have to.  They can kindly go screw themselves.

See?  I can clean up my language every now and then.

Hope you had a good and safe New Years!!

Until next time by-otches.

Merry Christmas

Greetings and salutations from the Summerville Mental Ward.

That is how I feel at the holidays.  Like I am bat shit crazy and everyone either is also bat shit crazy or is heading that way.

So I am not going to bore you with some mushy gushy love filled post telling you to be good to each other and all the jazz.  Why?

Because you have probably already read that on no less than 500 other blogs or in 500 different posts on Facebook.

So instead I will leave you with this:

IT'S THE SNOWPOCALYPSE!!!!!

Yes. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

May you gain 50 pounds this holiday, so it makes the 25 pounds I gain look like nothing.  May you get good shit for Christmas including that triple pack of super hero character underwear, that bottle of bacon flavored lube or the donation made in your name to the Make-a-Sandwich foundation.  And may you not kill the givers of those terrible gifts, even the giver of the bacon flavored lube (which TOTALLY is a real thing by the way). 

But most of all, have a good and safe holiday.

Happy Holidays.

Arggghhhhh

And before y'all heave a collective groan that is like, "holy shit balls, this bitch is gonna start complaining again".......just chill.

I am so not going to bore y'all again with my whiny baby act.  I admit, that shit gets old.

BUT.....I will say this.....FUCK YOU BLOGGER!!!!!

I just now, like five minutes ago, had constructed this FABULOUS post about the time I lost my shit at Best Buy and had a total melt down.

But the blogger gods decided that even though I had typed out and lovingly stitched together a fabulously humorous yarn about my meltdown, they were going to have the final say.

My post disappeared.

Seriously!!

So I will tell y'all this:  I ain't gonna try to construct that amazing post again.  I just don't think that I can reproduce a masterpiece, ya know?

So I will instead just do bullet points to get across the main events of that day:

1.  I arrived at Best Buy to buy a TV.  It was Black Friday.
2.  I was promptly abandoned by my husband and left instead with his 19 year old cousin.
3.  Upon arrival at a make shift cash register, I was insulted by the cashier when she implied that I didn't have the money to purchase my shit.
4.  After a rudimentary argument, I ended up calling said cashier a "cunt".
5.  Upon paying for my purchases (take THAT you dried up old hag), I turned around to see an ocean of assholes who would not for the life of Christ get the FUCK out of my way.
6.  I proceed to start ramming people with my cart.
7.  I finally make it to my car only to have some dumb bitch prevent me from driving out of my space because she wanted the space and wouldn't move.
8.  After rolling down my window and screaming at the woman at the top of my lungs while honking the horn and thrashing my arms, my husband's cousin finally breaks his silence and tells me to shut the fuck up and to let him drive.
9.  I took his advice and we successfully made our way out of a parking lot that I am STILL convinced that Adolf Hitler himself designed before he offed himself 60+ years ago.

And that, people, is why I no longer partake in the ritual of Black Friday shopping.

But you know what?  I still have that damn TV, and am watching it right now.

So yeah, let me get back to the X Factor.  Maybe tonight will be the night they finally get rid of that Cece bitch.

Peace out yo!!

Thanksgiving Chronicles

So I am sitting here in my chair watching the tail end of WALL-E and I am bawling.

Fucken cartoons wanting me to feel all emotional and shit.

Sigh.

Seriously, though.  I love love LOVE this cartoon.  I have seen it 100 times and cry every single time.  No lie.  I even told my Sweet Joshua that I wouldn't cry and he was like "yeah...right."

Damn, he knows me so well.

So I thought I would give you an after holiday update on my life in limbo.

Well, my holidays sucked ass, but shit....I didn't expect anything but that, so I wasn't disappointed.  We didn't go to dinner at either his parents or my parents places.  Our usual rotation is to eat at his family's place for lunch and then hit my mother's place for dinner.

Well, we had every intention on going to his parents, and were about 10 minutes from walking out the door when both of us just fell apart.  If you read my last post, then you know why.  We just sat here for two hours and cried and held each other.

Then we pulled ourselves together and went to eat at Ruby Tuesdays.

Yup....you read that right.

Ruby Tuesdays.

They were offering turkey, so Joshua got to get that, but I had seafood.  I even though it wasn't turkey, it was damn good.

Then my mother called and asked us to come over, and I went   Joshua was just too upset, but insisted I go.  It was nice to see my sisters (of course), but the whole holiday just felt hollow.

And yes, my niece showed up at my mother's, so I waited until she was gone.  I really don't even know......well, I will leave that alone.

But....I did get to cook.  I just did it on Friday.  A friend of ours won a huge turkey at a turkey shoot (a function where you target shoot and can win a frozen turkey as a prize......yeah, I thought he actually shot turkeys!), and he didn't know what to do with the turkey he won.  So he gave it to us and I offered to cook a whole meal for him, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and two other friends of theirs.  It was SUCH a good time, that it almost made up for the crappy day before.

Well, almost.

And now?  I am watching the first 10 minutes of Up, and now I AM CRYING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Fucken cartoons.

This Thing Called Life

There are a lot of things that swirl in my head this time of the year.  This is the time of the year when you kind of reflect on your life and you realize you should be thankful for what you have.  Be thankful for how your life has turned out.  Be thankful for what you have been given.

Just be thankful.

And no, before you start to groan, this is not one of these sappy "I am thankful for...." kind of posts.

No, this is the antithesis to that.

I have done a lot of reflecting in the past two weeks.  Like, A LOT....and you know what? 

I am sick to my stomach really.

Life has dealt me a bunch of really, REALLY shitty cards.  And I look back and wonder to myself, why?  What the fuck did I do to deserve this?  I mean, I believe in Karma.  And really?  I am NO fucking angel.  AT ALL.  But what the fuck have I done that is so bad to constantly be given the shit in life that I am given?

I had a conversation with my BFF just the other day about this very thing and the idea that God tests you and puts things in your path on purpose.  ON PURPOSE, PEOPLE!!

And it made me wonder.  What kind of sick twisted person PURPOSELY does shit to you to see what you would do?  If it is true that God tests you, then I have decided he is a sadist.  He must like to see me suffer because BOY have I been.

Examples?  I have your examples right here:

1.  Joshua put in an application at a rather large local plant here in SC.  He was then GRANDLY courted by this company for five weeks.  He tested for them three times, interviewed with them, and in whole took SIX DAYS OFF WORK to do all the shit this company wanted him to do to get a job.  They told him how wonderful he was and how they couldn't wait for him to be a part of the "team".  Enticed him with the mirage of excellent pay, a benefits package to DIE FOR, and a retirement plan.  Then they gave him a physical.  AND FAILED HIM.  They said not only was his blood pressure too high, and his eyesight too bad (which are both fixable), because he had broken his hands EIGHT YEARS AGO, he could not work for them.......ever.  There is nothing like building a broken man up only to bash him in the teeth and break him down again.  [He has never been the same since losing his company...which, by the way, wiped us out financially....THAT is why we wanted the retirement plan so bad.  At this point, we will have to work until we die.]

2.  My niece is pregnant again.  Why is this so hard on ME?  Because really, I have never gotten over what happened two years ago [for those of you who don't know, she told Joshua and I we could adopt the baby and then backed out on us].  I have put on a happy face and acted like everything was okay, but really?  It's not.  Like, NOT AT ALL.  And some people have been like, "We should have know this was going to happen, we just need to get over it"......REALLY?  Every single person that has told me that can go fuck themselves because if they ever felt 1/100 of how that made me feel, then they would understand how and why I feel this way.  They were not the ones in that doctor's office looking at that ultrasound machine, listening to that baby's heartbeat for the first time and told to their face "Look at that baby....that is YOUR BABY!"  How is that something you just "get over"?  And to have to see that baby now grow up with the BARE MINIMUM!!!!  To know that her life would have been so different and then wasn't because of the selfishness of someone else.  Someone who is supposed to love them?  And then.....like THAT isn't enough, bring ANOTHER BABY INTO THE WORLD so now BOTH will have even less? WHAT.THE.FUCK?  It just makes point three that much harder on me....

3.  As I get older, the years march on....it gets tougher and tougher for me to accept the fact that I cannot have children.  What did I do in this lifetime that is so horrible that "God" is to deny me the one thing that obviously just about anyone with half a fucking brain can do......AND DO BADLY AT THAT RATE.  It is just so unfair that some shall have so many while others shall have so few.

Yeah, I know....three measly points, but they are THREE HUGE POINTS TO ME.

And really?  I do have lots to be thankful for, but right now, all this shitty stuff is really weighing me down.

I think I need to go back to therapy.

Oh, and yeah.....the whole niece issue is totally Jerry Springer.  I don't want to get into it right now, but let's just say that Joshua and I have decided that the best thing for us right now (and by "us" I mean Joshua and I.....I am really not caring at this point what my niece thinks), is just to stay away.  We have decided that if she is at any family functions this year, we are going to quietly bow out or come at a different time.  Seeing her (it really is a fucked up situation) would just not be good for any of us right now.

And Arlinda, if you are reading this.....I am sorry.  I haven't talked to you about this because I am terrified that you will be upset with me and Joshua for it.  We don't want this to affect anything with you, Jason or Eric.  We just think this is the best thing for the family right now.

And you know?  This might not be the best forum for all of this.....but this blog is kinda like my therapy.  So I just need this little bit....if that is okay.

Sigh.

So today....

I voted.

Hope you did too.

If you didn't, please go.....like NOW!  Unless you are reading this after 7pm EST November 6, or are not eligible, or are a felon (in four states) or under 18, or are not from this country.  And if after all that you still didn't...then fuck you.  If you have the ability to vote and do not, then you have no right to bitch and moan.

Until next time voters.

Happy Early Halloween!

I must tell you, it has been one hell of a week....and no, not in a good way.  I am really about at the point of exploding and feel like putting a sign up in my yard and a message on my phone that says "If you are calling with bad news, please kindly FUCK OFF."

But I will not get into any of that in this post.  Maybe the next post.  If I feel like it.

For now?  Let's see some mustache pictures.  They ALWAYS cheer me up!!

The only remarkable thing here is that I kinda look like I may be Mario's long lost daughter.  I tell you this mustache was the best $.97 I have ever spent!!

And here is Rose from the Spirit Phoenix playing with the mustache is sent her in her Halloween Swap box.  I freaking love it!!!!  The top picture is my favorite.  She kinda reminds me of the Oh! Cat from Puss in Boots:

I FUCKING LOVE THAT CAT!!!

See.....mustache pictures always work for me.  I have a smile on my face now!

Rose sent over a pumpkin carving kit in her swap box and boy!!  Did Sweet Joshua sure put that bad boy to work!  Here are his latest creations:

Haha...the center one makes me laugh!  It kinda looks like the Jim Carrey's Lloyd character from Dumb and Dumber.  Unfortunately, once you carve the pumpkins and expose them to air, they start to rot FAST!  So these have sadly already been thrown away.  BUT....we will be carving more tonight!!

Stay tuned y'all and have a good weekend.

Random Blatherings Post

I think I need to have one of these every now and then.  You know, a post about a bunch of shit that alone would be a pretty pointless post, but together could be a post filled with AWESOME.

1.  I am trying not to get sick.  I have not been sick for awhile and that is an amazing feat for me because seriously?  Cold and flu germs love me.  I must give off some type of cold/flu pheromone because those fuckers hunt me down and make sweet sweet love to my throat and lymph nodes.  (And yes, I realize how dirty that sounds.)  I feel like I have a softball in my throat because my lymph nodes are so swollen but I refuse to get sick.

  FUCK YOU FLU!!

2.  I have this super cute picture of Rose from The Spirit Phoenix wearing the necklace I made for her:

How stinking cute is she??  Please stop by her blog and say hi!!  She is really fabulous.

3.  Sara over at Sara's Organized Chaos texted me this picture last night:

This picture about made me piss my pants.  I promptly texted it to about 100 people.  Obviously not everyone has my sense of humor because only three texted me back.  Whores.

4.  A friend of mine, Legacy, posted this video and it not only made me laugh, but scared the shit out of me:



Are there really people out there that are THIS FUCKING STUPID????  Y'all....there is simply no hope for this country if these people not only exist but vote.  I can't imagine that this woman is actually smart enough to drive a car, work a job and pay her bills.  Seriously.

But they are better than the people who look for pictures of dead chicks boobs.  That same dude, Legacy, wrote a blog post about Amanda Todd (the girl from Canada who killed herself because of bullying) and he said that when he looked at his blogger stats that the traffic coming in to view the post used phrases like "pictures of Amanda Todd's boobs".  Really???  So a this little girl kills herself because of bullying (she stupidly showed her boobs on the net and the dude blackmailed her and then it spiraled out of control) and the first thing people think is "WOW!!  Let's look for pictures of her boobs!!'

Fucken animals.

*sigh*

4.  On a lighter note, my husband and I are hosting a Pampered Chef party on the 28th of this month.  No.....you didn't read that wrong.  I said SWEET JOSHUA and I are hosting it.  As in, he is into Pampered Chef.  It was adorable because a couple of our friends hosted a Pampered Chef party two months ago and Joshua was the one to send me the text.  "Christian and Tarabeth invited us to a Pampered Chef party...I told then we would be there".  I was like, what?  I asked "Um...babe?  Do you know what a Pampered Chef party is?"  He looked at me befuddled and said "Well, we go and look at some kitchen shit and they feed us."

Seriously though, I think the dudes had more fun at the party than the chicks did.  So we booked a party.  Ain't we just the sweetest?  He was just too cute sitting there with a catalouge going "Look babe!  I really like this grill pan!"

Okay.  He gets it.

Alright already, enough for today.  Now that you are done with this post, you can get the fuck off the net and do something productive today.

Peace out by-otches. 

Spooktacular Swap

A few weeks back, I signed up for a Spooktacular Swap hosted by Sara at Sara's Organized Chaos and Jamie at This is Me; Consequently.  Because y'all know me!!  I loves sending and receiving swag in the mail!!!!

So I hit the motherload of awesome when I was paired up with my long time blog friend, Rose at The Spirit Phoenix.  I was tickled orange (it's Halloween, gimme a break, yo) when I got back from my nerd expo this weekend (I had a Crop for the Cure that lasted all weekend) and found my Spooky box waiting for me!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

Oh, the swag I got!!  In my box was a pumpkin carving kit with tools and patterns (which always comes in handy seeing Joshua is slightly obsessed with carving pumpkins), a box of Reese's pieces (one of my ALL TIME favorites!!), a lighted necklace and pitchfork (because I gots a little of the devil in me), some fun socks (STRIPES!!!!!  Someone totally gets me), some Halloween fun nails and two glitter nail polishes in fun pumpkin bottles (so awesome), a notepad (which I will surely use because I go through them so quickly), a lovely Halloween card, and some stuff I am gonna use in my scrapbooks!!

One of the cool tags that I can't wait to use in one of my spooky scrapbooks!!

Moustache Amber approves of this box!

I totally put one of these moustaches in Rose's box too......AND NO!!  It is NOT the same one I put in her box.  I had enough sense to buy two.  And really?  It may just be the best $.97 I have ever spent.  Let's just say that the moustache is a total conversation starter.

Happy Hauntings y'all!!!

Update on Everyone's Favorite Rescue - Gram

I know, I know....it has been years since I have even spoken of Gram, and what can I say? 

Well, for one....he is a happy cat

For two....he is a fat ass cat.

So in wrap-up, he is one fat ass happy cat.

He is a solid member of the family over at my sister's and has melded wonderfully with the other two kitties there, Simon and Otis. 

Well, Otis is a grumpy old man with a heart condition, so like any grumpy old man, he happens to hate the youth of these days, so he is not the biggest fan of Grammy, but Simon sure is.  They are practically butt buddies:

Seriously though, I think these two are totally gay for each other....not that there is anything wrong with that.

So my sister submitted his story to Love Meow and you can read it here.

Now that Grammy is world famous, you can say you saw him here first.

Until next time!!!

My Week in Review

Okay, so maybe it is just Tuesday, but this is my blog and I can make the titles as ridiculous and nonsensical as I want to.

I got to go to lunch with all my amazing ladies today to celebrate the birfday of a good friend of mine, Amanda. 

Princess Amanda

We met at O'Charley's in North Charleston and just had a great time!  I got to see some of the regulars that meet for lunch (we try to get together every now and then), and even spotted a face or two that I hadn't seen in awhile!  It was a super good time.

Of course, not as much of a good time as what was going on in the parking lot.  (Don't you know, it has to be me spotting the weird shit, right?)

So I am facing the huge window looking into the parking lot.  Out of the restaurant goes an elderly man and what I assumed was his granddaughter (or even great granddaughter).  A very cute girl.......maybe 19?  I took notice of her because she had this super cute haircut and these bad ass rad boots.

They were holding hands.

Ahhh.....that's cute I thought.  She doesn't mind holding hands with her grandpa in public...that is so sweet.

And then he grabs her by the car and starts making out with her.

Like.....FULL ON MAKING OUT complete with very obvious tongue and even some grab ass action.  They were almost dry humping.

I was astounded to say the least.

The chicks at the table must have known something because I was just kinda sitting in my chair going between looks of astonishment and disbelief and then just looking grossed out.

"What are you looking at?", my friend Keri asked.....

"Nothing....just grandpa gettin' his freak on with a super young chick in the parking lot.  It looked like he was trying to eat her".

GAG.

Other than that little escapade, it was quite the nice day.

My BFF, Yvonne, didn't get to make it to lunch today though because she was in class....but I got to spend the whole day Saturday with her when we went shopping at the new Hobby Lobby that just opened here (sorry, Sara.....I know your craft stores suck ass there).

The original Mad Hatter

I totally wanted this hat, but the bitch was fucking $50!!  I know it was then 40% off, but shit...all it is is felt, so I plan to make one for myself.  I mean, how hard can it be?

Famous last words, right?

Peace out bitches.

Haha....For Those of You Who are Confused...

That last post (which I am totally NOT going to delete just for principle) was NOT meant for this blog.

You should have noticed because I didn't use the F word one time!!  Haha.

It was meant for my scrapbooking blog.  Yeah, I am a nerd.....YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT??

But.....if you were interested, then please let me know.

Until next time, bitches....

Stain Glass Class?? Maybe?

So Sweet Joshua and I were out running errands this afternoon when out of the blue he says "You know, do any of your friends think they might want to take a stained glass class from me if I could work one up?"

:Silence:

Ummm.....YES!!  Y'all I couldn't say YES fast enough!!

I told him that I thought of no less than seven people off the top of my head that would like to take a stained glass class from him....not to mention that I was uber excited that he would even want to teach a class to me and all my friends!

So we were thinking about putting together a class for the future.

Only problem?  It would have to be like the WAY future because we would have to have the class outside (because we would be cutting and grinding GLASS yo) and we need time to prep, so that really only leaves this spring (because I just don't think with his schedule and mine we can pull one together in a month).

He has done stain glass before and he loved it.  Here is his rooster:

And here is his rooster in the sun (sorry for the lack of good sunlight, I am working with SC weather here):

And just so y'all know, he did this rooster over 20 years ago.  It has been to every single apartment, trailer and house we have lived in.  It has a few dings, but damn it doesn't take away from it's brilliance!!

We are thinking that the project will be smaller (maybe 6X6 or 8X8), and we are currently calling around to places to get some prices on the glass and equipment, so we will have more price details coming....but trust me, we ain't in the market to gouge!!

Oh, and Sweet Joshua is going to work up about 6 different patterns that you will be able to choose from because when learning a new technique, I suggested we definitely have a pattern to go by, but that not everyone will want to do the same thing.....so once we get that worked up, we will post those too!!

So if you think you may be interested, just leave me a comment or send me an email.

Happy Wednesday crafty lovers!!

Hello....Kip Drordy Here...

Yeah, I am aware that only hard core South Park fans are gonna get that reference...and that be me, yo.....a hard core South Park fan.

I kinda feel like sweet Kip right about now.  (In the episode Kip Drordy doesn't have one friend on FaceBook, so out of pity Kyle befriends him, only to have his own FB friends list drop as his friends defriend him for being friends with Kip).  I used to be fucking rocking out with my cock out on this blog, but you turn into a slack ass for six months and :POOF: all your loyal readers are gone.

I mean, they probably aren't completely gone, maybe they are being slack too...and that is okay.  Normally I would give you a ration of shit, but really?  I don't want to hear your shit either, so let's just move on.

I am just gonna continue blogging like I have the whole world listening, and you will listen and you will like it damn it.

Or you can fuck off.

Either one is fine with me.

Anywho.....I am over the moon happy right now.  Why?  Because of this shit:

Dudes, my fucking pool is CLEAN!!!! (except for that little bit of schmutz in the bottom of the pool).  This is a big deal around here because as of last week this is what it looked like:

Yeah....gross.  We just changed the whole system over to a salt water system, so supposedly the pool will be super easy to take care of.  And I totally need it to be.  Because I for some reason cannot wrap my brain around how to take care of the damn thing.  And the disturbing part?  Almost every single pool man I have employed in the past (except for this last one, I liked him) was a fucking retard.  So if a retard can manage to take care of the damn thing then why can't I?????

Am I not as smart as I think I am?

*sigh*

Naw, I am smart.  Now if I can just figure out how to get you mother fuckers back reading my shit.

Meet The Saddest Dog in the World

His name is Lutz.  And he has been relegated to the Cone of Shame.

Lutz does not like the Cone of Shame.

Why is he in the Cone of Shame you may ask?

Because he is a butt biter.

And not a human butt biter (because that shit just might be funny, yo), but because he bites HIS OWN BUTT!  Yup, he is an ass eater, a rump ripper.....a sneaky cheek nipper.

Apparently, he is allergic to fleas and even though he has now been successfully treated for fleas, his skin is still itchy so he has taken to biting it to the point that his hair has fallen out in two patches and his butt was bleeding yesterday.

So his mama had to go out and by some cortisone for dogs and the dreaded Cone of Shame.

I mean, just look at him cutting his eyes at me.

I'd say he is one unhappy pooch about right now.

Oh, well....that's what you get for being a bum muncher.

Does Anyone Know How to Perform a Foot-In-Ass-Ectomy?

People.....I am pissed off.  Like, CRAZY INSANE PISSED OFF.

And I am slowly losing faith in humanity.  What ever happened to people looking out for other people and respecting not only our fellow man, but our elders?  Since when is it in our nature to look at someone and think "Oh, yeah....I am gonna take sweet sweet advantage of that person...."

What the hell am I talking about you might say?

Well, my dear, sweet angel of a mother...the woman who would never in a million years hurt another person...the woman who would bend over backwards for you and give you her last morsel of food or sip of drink just to help you out...well, she was fucked over royally by.....

A FUCKING CAR MECHANIC.

I know, I know....car mechanics are known for fucking people over.  I know this, and you know this...and really?  My mother knows this, but hell...I guess she didn't think she would be the one to be taken advantage of. 

She goes into a local mechanic (whose name I will not release at this time) because she is getting ready to take a trip out to Missouri to see my Grandma. 

People...she has less than 70,000 miles on her 2003 Ford Mustang, and the car gets driven a whole 30 miles a week at the most.  This car is perfect in every single possible way.  My mother keeps up with this thing like it is her baby and it has never given her one iota of problems. 

So she brings it into this mechanic because she just wants him to take a look at it (like look at the brakes, the wheels, etc.) just to make sure it is in good shape to take on the trip.

The fucking mechanic not only has my mother's perfect car for three days....he then charges her $1427.00 for three pages worth of "repairs".

WHAT FUCKING REPAIRS???

Shit like a transmission flush, and tightening two bolts on her steering column, and putting in a couple of spark plugs.

When I found out about this, y'all, I hit the fucking roof.

I told her that nothing short of an entire engine rebuild or a transmission overhaul or a brand new braking system with top of the line wheels would cost her that much money.

So what am I doing about this?  Well, today I am going to pick up the paperwork on this bogus repair work, take it to my very dear friend Scott (who runs his own car repair shop and may possibly be the only mechanic that is not a fucking charlatan in my town) and get him to price everything.  Then I am going to get his opinion on what should have been done and what was frivolous.

Then I am sending my Not-so-sweet-because-you-just-fucked-over-my-mother-in-law Joshua down to that mechanic's place to a) give them a piece of our mind and b) inform them that we are reporting them to the Better Business Bureau for taking advantage of my mother (who is NOT elderly by any means, but is an older person and therefore an "easier" mark).

*sigh*

Wish me luck, y'all.  I will keep y'all informed.

FUCK YOU FLEAS!!!

My cat has fleas.

And if the song is correct, they are most likely big as trees.

This is a fucking problem, yo.  See, I am a freak about bugs.  Like, ANY BUGS.  And so is my Ella.  She is freaking the hell out right now.  In 11 years we have not had a flea problem. 

I am now picking them off of me every day.

GROSS!!

They seems to be concentrated in one area of my house and that is right under my desk where I happen to be sitting right now. 

I will feel a bite, look down, see one on my leg, pick it off and run like hell to the bathroom to flush the little fucker down the toilet.

For awhile I think Sweet Joshua thought I had diarrhea every day because every ten minutes or so the toilet would flush.  I had to break the news to him that we have fleas.

Did I mention that I FUCKING HATE FLEAS!!  (I almost wrote that I hate fucking fleas but that would have sounded weird......I can assure you I have never had intercourse with a flea.)

So I go to Joshua and tell him, "Okay.....we have to deal with this problem like right this very minute."  And what does he do?

He treats his dogs and the yard.  AND THEN STOPS.

HELLO???

So I guess this is something else I will have to handle.  I am not the swiftest on how to deal a problem like this without potentially killing us and the cat, but I guess that the Internet can be used for other things other than YouTube and porn.

Wish me luck  y'all.....